one soft small lesson to learn

When I moved into my last apartment, G. and I had just started dating. For the first time in the history of my moving life, I let the boxes sit unopened for weeks. I couldn't be bothered with my customary rush to get everything situated as quickly as possible, so busy was I with the task of falling in L.U.V. It was months before that place was completely assembled, and those months were some of the best I've ever had.

I didn't learn my lesson from it though. Since we've moved in to this new place, my almost desperate instinct has been to UNPACKRIGHTAWAYORELSE, despite my outward insistence that I am going to take time to set our home up properly, even if it takes a while. I've lost sleep the past few weeks over the state of the office and living room. I've had small waves of panic while thinking about the inside of our kitchen cupboards.

But I've been forced, in spite of myself, to take this homemaking process slowly. I haven't been able to rush it, haven't even had time to shove things into closets so that the place looks shiny on the outside. And yet, somehow, slowly...

Just now, sitting on the couch with G., talking about what to order from the Thai restaurant down the street, looking over his shoulder into the dining room at the evening sun streaming through the window on our two plants in their brightly colored pots, at the green glass knobs I bought to replace the old ones on the dark wood cabinet, at our stark white wedding china mixed with my red latte bowls, I realized the pace is perfect.

I'm having a hard time believing it's been over a month since the wedding. In ways it feels like it's been that long and then some, and in other ways I feel like it was a (really good!) dream and the real thing is still lingering in the future.

I thought for sure I'd have had time to write about all of it by now, and I'm a little sad that I haven't. I keep thinking one of these days I'll get around to looking at our honeymoon photos or finishing up the journal we wrote while in Europe. In the journal, we are suspended in our first full day in Paris. Not such a bad place to be stuck...

I'm still hopeful that I'll be able to get some of my thoughts down here at some point because I love reading other people's wedding stories and would like to contribute my own. But for now, it's back to working on photos for clients, trying to get started on thank you notes (yikes!) and unpacking our still cluttered apartment. Please forgive my temporarily horrid blogging habits, with the promise that there will be better things to read soon...

Newlywed Bliss in Full Effect

Hi everyone! We're back and we're married! And all the stuff people say about their weddings is true. It really was the best day our our lives. We're still on a high from it.

I can't wait to write the details of the day (too jet lagged right now!) and share honeymoon photos (no hard drive space on the computer yet!).

But for now, I wanted to take a second to thank everyone who left or sent a sweet comment around the wedding day. They all made me smile!

For anyone who'd like a sneak peek of our wedding photos, check our our photographer's blog. We are so, so happy that we hired Jessica to photograph the wedding. She and Nathan did an amazing job. And, seeing Jessica work made me excited to get back out and shoot another wedding myself this weekend!

http://homepage.mac.com/jessicajphoto/iblog
/B1406720197/index.html

You'll have to scroll down a bit since she's had other weddings since ours. Once you get to us (Lindsey & Gym, for those few of you who may not know our actual names), be sure to click on the slideshow.

More soon.

One Week

I'm off to get married!

(If we can do it as well as these guys did, then I'll consider it a perfect day.)

8 Days: Oh, the sappiness begins!

I don't have my ring on today (it's at the jeweler's getting a special polish), and I keep catching a glimpse of my bare fingers and panicking. It's strange how in just a matter of months that ring has become part of my hand. Today is the first day I haven't worn it since G. proposed, and it will probably be the last day in a very long time that I won't be wearing either it or my wedding ring. I feel like I'm just now starting to understand the full significance of wedding rings, of why when H. lost his, he and A. combed an entire soccer field until they found it. It's not just that wearing a ring says "I'm taken," it's that it says "We're joined."

10 Days: Glutton

I wish someone could make me stop looking at the weather forecast for next week. It's getting worse and worse, and I keep looking and looking. I know (I KNOW, PEOPLE!) that even if it rains the wedding will be a success in the sense that G. and I will be married when it's over, but I've spent months and months planning this thing based on a rain-free day. In the past week alone I've spent no less than ten hours assembling placecards that will look utterly ridiculous if it's too rainy to hang them on a clothesline as planned. Not to mention my darling lemonade table that won't be anywhere near as charming if it's stuck inside the barn. These details mean a lot to me. And don't even get me started on the fact that I know from first hand experience how difficult it is for a photographer to get good photos at a ceremony under a dark ol' tent.

I'm freaking out here, kids.

12 Days: Other Honeymooners

When my grandparents were newlyweds, and only 19 years old, their house burnt to the ground. They lost everything, including their wedding and honeymoon photos. Several years ago, another couple who they spent part of their honeymoon with gave them some film negatives from that trip. The type of film used is no longer readily processed, so my grandma was unable to do anything with the negative. Recently she passed them along to me, and I've been working on getting prints made. The negs are in pretty bad shape, but I'm totally smitten by the photos nonetheless. Time has worn down the celluloid and given the images a surreal, romantic quality. Some of them give me chills. My grandparents look young but confident, and in the photographs I can see little fragments of the rest of their lives already etched on their faces.

15 Days: Home Stretch

For some reason, every time I've ever been anticipating something exciting, I always thought that if I could make it to the two week mark, I could survive the rest of the wait. Tomorrow is the two week mark!

P.S. If you want to read about someone's deepest prayer and biggest dream coming true, click on the Superhero Journal link on the side of my blog. It made my day today.

16 Days: Dreaming of Venice

One thing I've found sort of funny about this whole wedding thing is that it involves months and months devoted to the careful arrangement of one day, while the honeymoon, at least in our case, goes largely unplanned. G. and I are going on what is truly my dream honeymoon, a trip to places I've wanted to visit my whole life (Rome! Florence! Venice! PARIS!),and I've probably spent a total of two hours thinking about this trip. We're wildly underprepared to spend two weeks in countries where we don't speak the languages beyond G.'s spotty French from a class he took last year, and my thin grasp on the first two lessons of an Italian language CD I've been listening to in my car every few days.

I love this. I can't wait to stumble around these cities with my husband G., and be sappy newlyweds together.

(I also can't wait to have some photos to post that aren't of weddings!)

17 Days

I've got such tunnel vision right now. I would say 90% of the thoughts going through my brain are related to wedding tasks. My eyes are glued to my to-do list.

This does not make for good blogging.

18 days: dumbest thing i've done in a while.

walmartparkinglot2

just checked the long range forecast for traverse city. not smart. looks like it's going to be a rainy june. i've got a huge pit in my stomach now. will be hugely sad if it rains on the wedding day. strange, since rain is one of my favorite things. but i don't want to get married under a tent, and i don't want to miss out on the photo opportunities that i've sort of built our wedding around.

bugger.

23 Days

This isn't wedding related at all, but something I've been thinking about today is the realization that I've recently gotten over certain things about myself that I've been hung up on for years, namely that I have enormous feet, and am very pale. I guess you could say that I've finally reached a point of self acceptance where these things are concerned, except it's much less warm and fuzzy than that. I've just stopped caring. Today I'm wearing a skirt that comes to my knees and a pair of bright green shoes. This outfit showcases both the shocking whiteness of my legs and the bony monstrosity of my feet (also splendidly pale) in a way that would have been absolutely terrifying to my fourteen year old self. But now it gives me no pause.

I see that my little sisters are rushing quickly (if they aren't already there) toward the age where certain things they don't like about the way they look will cause them trauma, and I wish I could tell them not to worry, that one day they will, seemingly out of nowhere, not be bothered by those things anymore.

I'm curious: What stuff have you gotten over about yourself?

24 Days

We've shot quite a few weddings now for friends of friends, but this weekend will be the first one for actual, no degrees of separation friends. They hired A. & I when they first got engaged, when we'd only shot one or two other weddings. I'm always so honored when someone chooses us as their photographer, even more so now that I've planned by own wedding. I know not everyone cares as much about photography as I do, but I do think that everyone cares about their wedding as much as I care about mine, and it makes me really happy to get to record that day for people, to capture an important part of their history.

I wish I had the brain power to write about this (or anything!) more eloquently right now, but my mind has already switched over to photographer mode, an entirely different kind of poetry.

25 Days: Bridesmaids Bite The Dust

I had two of my seven bridesmaids drop out of the wedding last night. I saw both coming. The first one I knew may happen because she'd been kind enough to give me the heads up months ago that her new, exciting, top secret job might be calling her away for training sometime around the beginning of June, and they have. The other I knew about in the same way you know a guy you've just started dating isn't really interested -- vague, non-committal, distant behaviour. Except she's not a guy I just started dating, she's a friend of over a dozen years, so I'm sort of... irked.

It's interesting to me how weddings tend to bring certain things to a head. You'd think planning a wedding would really only have an effect on the couple getting married. But this whole experience has given me far greater insight into the people in my life than it has englightened me about myself. I already knew I was a stress case.

Count Down

Now that I'm entering the final stages of my own wedding planning, I thought it would be fun to try to post something every day, at least until June 11th when G. and I leave for Michigan. I realize this stuff may truly only be interesting to me, but I'm okay with that. In July I will turn into an interesting person again. I hope.

The last couple of nights have been the first where I truly couldn't sleep because of all the wedding related discussions the voices in my head were having. Must they be so chatty? I may need to start hitting myself over the head every night so I can get some rest.

I had my final dress fitting the other day. The seamstress couldn't get it zipped. Not even close. Not to be immodest, but I was proud of myself for not crying or screaming. Instead, April and I went to McDonalds while she let it out a bit. As I sat eating a cheeseburger, I swore to April that I hadn't gained any weight since the last fitting (which is actually true!). Mmmm... cheeseburgers. Won't be having any more of those, though, between now and June 17th, as even after having been let out, the dress is still a very snug fit. There will also be no lifting my arms above my head on the day wedding day, lest the dress should suddenly become terribly indecent.

Lemon with Vanilla Frosting

To the person who found this blog by googling "cupcakes with feelings," I welcome you.

Like London

I'm a little foggy in the brain this week.

There's a baggy with a hamburger bun in it on my desk, a discarded element of my lunch. Every time I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye, a small part of my brain yells "SUGAR COOKIE!" and my heart leaps with joy, even though the rest of my brain knows that it's actually just a bland, squishy hunk of white bread.

This has happened no fewer than six times this afternoon.

Gary Mode

Back when G. and I worked at the same company, I would often get my feelings hurt when he had his work face on around me. We called his work face "Gary Mode." (Apologies to the Garys of the world, but I just don't dig that name.) I knew it was necessary at times, but I still got overly sensitive about him not acting like MY G. from the hours of 8 to 8.

Right now, I myself am constantly in Gary Mode, constantly just the slightest bit chilly and annoyed. I think I'm even in Gary Mode when I sleep because I haven't been having any memorable dreams, as if I can't be bothered to let my mind wander even then. There was a brief snip of time, at dinner on Saturday with G, A & H where I think I snapped out of it for a second, but other than that, I seem to have lost my ability to relax and be normal. This week it hit me that the wedding is suddenly getting CLOSE. But it's not the wedding that's causing my stifled emotions. It's all the other stuff. But I'm fearful of not being able to get into a more relaxed, more "feeling" state of mind before the wedding day actually arrives. I'm worried I'll wake up on June 17th with my to do list running through my head rather than my wedding vows.

I wish I were doing a better job of soaking this up right now. Any suggestions on how to chill the heck out?

Too Busy To Even Have A Song Stuck In My Head

On certain days, for swift, fleeting moments, I'll get a little cocky about the pace I'm managing to move at right now. The full time day job, the equally full time photography work, the getting the new apartment ready to move into, the planning of the wedding. But the reality is that in all the other many, many moments, I'm not dealing with it all that well. I'm tired, and feel like I'm loosing my mind, and about eighty times a day I think to myself that I can't keep up this pace. I'm not good at being stretched this thin. It leaves me feeling like a child, caught between wanting to stomp my foot on the ground or burst into tears. Recently, on a walk home from the market with G., I did both.

But underneath the layer of exhaustion and annoyance, I'm happy, not depressed, and that's such a wonderous new turn for me that I'm trying to stay focused on that, whenever I can catch a quiet moment to do so.

I have some fabulous women in my life!

Thank you Girls, especially April, for Saturday night! I had a wonderful time.

And thanks to the gals who were there in spirit as well. You were missed!



(Cake by Mandy, Cake photo by April, Group photo by Hosea)