Friday, February 25, 2005

Gee, I wonder why it is that I never have to fight to use the washer & dryer on a Friday night.

My cousin just finished her student teaching and was writing about it on her blog, asking if it meant that she had to be an adult now. I told her no; I've been done with college for almost six years now, and I still don't feel like a "real" adult. I suspect this has to do, at least in part, with the fact that I don't feel settled the way I imagined I would once I was "grown up." There have been very few times, if any, over the past six years when I have felt any sense of true peace of mind. There's always been some big change just around the bend, some big decision demanding to be made. Many times I haven't minded this. I actually rather like change. Something to keep me on my toes, keep my mind sharp. But other times it's mind NUMBING and just plain tedious. I'm in one of those times. Very tired of thinking about what comes next, and yet I MUST figure out what that next thing will be because I'm in no way feeling peaceful about where I'm at right now.

I'm fearful that I will get replies from my family members who read this post politely informing me that this IS what being an adult is all about -- the constant choicemaking and shifting around and whatnot. Based on what I know of adulthood thus far, I am suspecting this might be the case. But I hope that someone offers me some hope that it is possible to reach a point where there's a feeling of contentment on at least most of the important levels. Not sure I can handle feeling this upheaved indefinitely.

It doesn't help, I suppose, that I feel rather alone in all of this right now. Major life changes feel like less of an adventure when I've no one to turn to and say: We can do this. It might turn out to be amazing. Off we go.

3 comments:

Aunt Jan said...

Woo hoo, I'm the first family member to weigh in! This is the sort of thing I don't do often, so bear with me, sweetheart. The best I can do is to offer you Jeremiah 29:11-13 and Isaiah 30:19-21. Savor them.

Claire said...

I completely understand what you are saying and often fell like that myself. I feel like I'm stuck between being an adolescent who gets told what to do all the time and an adult who understands how their life will be. There are too many choices and it doesn't help not being 100% sure what you want...ever!

Jodie said...

You will find throughout your adult life that you have periods of contentment interspersed with times like you are having right now...it will get better, it will get worse, it will get better...but how you accept it makes a big difference in how bad the "worse" times are AND how wonderful the "better" times are.