17 Days

I've got such tunnel vision right now. I would say 90% of the thoughts going through my brain are related to wedding tasks. My eyes are glued to my to-do list.

This does not make for good blogging.

18 days: dumbest thing i've done in a while.

walmartparkinglot2

just checked the long range forecast for traverse city. not smart. looks like it's going to be a rainy june. i've got a huge pit in my stomach now. will be hugely sad if it rains on the wedding day. strange, since rain is one of my favorite things. but i don't want to get married under a tent, and i don't want to miss out on the photo opportunities that i've sort of built our wedding around.

bugger.

23 Days

This isn't wedding related at all, but something I've been thinking about today is the realization that I've recently gotten over certain things about myself that I've been hung up on for years, namely that I have enormous feet, and am very pale. I guess you could say that I've finally reached a point of self acceptance where these things are concerned, except it's much less warm and fuzzy than that. I've just stopped caring. Today I'm wearing a skirt that comes to my knees and a pair of bright green shoes. This outfit showcases both the shocking whiteness of my legs and the bony monstrosity of my feet (also splendidly pale) in a way that would have been absolutely terrifying to my fourteen year old self. But now it gives me no pause.

I see that my little sisters are rushing quickly (if they aren't already there) toward the age where certain things they don't like about the way they look will cause them trauma, and I wish I could tell them not to worry, that one day they will, seemingly out of nowhere, not be bothered by those things anymore.

I'm curious: What stuff have you gotten over about yourself?

24 Days

We've shot quite a few weddings now for friends of friends, but this weekend will be the first one for actual, no degrees of separation friends. They hired A. & I when they first got engaged, when we'd only shot one or two other weddings. I'm always so honored when someone chooses us as their photographer, even more so now that I've planned by own wedding. I know not everyone cares as much about photography as I do, but I do think that everyone cares about their wedding as much as I care about mine, and it makes me really happy to get to record that day for people, to capture an important part of their history.

I wish I had the brain power to write about this (or anything!) more eloquently right now, but my mind has already switched over to photographer mode, an entirely different kind of poetry.

25 Days: Bridesmaids Bite The Dust

I had two of my seven bridesmaids drop out of the wedding last night. I saw both coming. The first one I knew may happen because she'd been kind enough to give me the heads up months ago that her new, exciting, top secret job might be calling her away for training sometime around the beginning of June, and they have. The other I knew about in the same way you know a guy you've just started dating isn't really interested -- vague, non-committal, distant behaviour. Except she's not a guy I just started dating, she's a friend of over a dozen years, so I'm sort of... irked.

It's interesting to me how weddings tend to bring certain things to a head. You'd think planning a wedding would really only have an effect on the couple getting married. But this whole experience has given me far greater insight into the people in my life than it has englightened me about myself. I already knew I was a stress case.

Count Down

Now that I'm entering the final stages of my own wedding planning, I thought it would be fun to try to post something every day, at least until June 11th when G. and I leave for Michigan. I realize this stuff may truly only be interesting to me, but I'm okay with that. In July I will turn into an interesting person again. I hope.

The last couple of nights have been the first where I truly couldn't sleep because of all the wedding related discussions the voices in my head were having. Must they be so chatty? I may need to start hitting myself over the head every night so I can get some rest.

I had my final dress fitting the other day. The seamstress couldn't get it zipped. Not even close. Not to be immodest, but I was proud of myself for not crying or screaming. Instead, April and I went to McDonalds while she let it out a bit. As I sat eating a cheeseburger, I swore to April that I hadn't gained any weight since the last fitting (which is actually true!). Mmmm... cheeseburgers. Won't be having any more of those, though, between now and June 17th, as even after having been let out, the dress is still a very snug fit. There will also be no lifting my arms above my head on the day wedding day, lest the dress should suddenly become terribly indecent.

Lemon with Vanilla Frosting

To the person who found this blog by googling "cupcakes with feelings," I welcome you.

Like London

I'm a little foggy in the brain this week.

There's a baggy with a hamburger bun in it on my desk, a discarded element of my lunch. Every time I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye, a small part of my brain yells "SUGAR COOKIE!" and my heart leaps with joy, even though the rest of my brain knows that it's actually just a bland, squishy hunk of white bread.

This has happened no fewer than six times this afternoon.

Gary Mode

Back when G. and I worked at the same company, I would often get my feelings hurt when he had his work face on around me. We called his work face "Gary Mode." (Apologies to the Garys of the world, but I just don't dig that name.) I knew it was necessary at times, but I still got overly sensitive about him not acting like MY G. from the hours of 8 to 8.

Right now, I myself am constantly in Gary Mode, constantly just the slightest bit chilly and annoyed. I think I'm even in Gary Mode when I sleep because I haven't been having any memorable dreams, as if I can't be bothered to let my mind wander even then. There was a brief snip of time, at dinner on Saturday with G, A & H where I think I snapped out of it for a second, but other than that, I seem to have lost my ability to relax and be normal. This week it hit me that the wedding is suddenly getting CLOSE. But it's not the wedding that's causing my stifled emotions. It's all the other stuff. But I'm fearful of not being able to get into a more relaxed, more "feeling" state of mind before the wedding day actually arrives. I'm worried I'll wake up on June 17th with my to do list running through my head rather than my wedding vows.

I wish I were doing a better job of soaking this up right now. Any suggestions on how to chill the heck out?