the quick creep of monday

i'm sometimes absolutely floored by the fact that my depression can still sneak up on me with such swiftness. these days, when it does, it's fleeting. it stomps around on my shoulders for a short while, and then departs with such a pathetic whimper that i barely notice it's gone until it's been gone a while. that part is expected, known. but for as much as i know how it will leave, it's surprising that its onset can be so, well, surprising.

"what are you doing here?" i almost always have to ask it, startled. and it cackles back at me while it drinks its coffee, a batty, mean old woman, an unexpected guest in the living room of my head. "i live here!" the depression, the old woman, says. and for as long as she stays, we both believe it, she and i.

Stage Four, In which I become a housewife before my time.

I bought guest towels the other night. You know. For when the In-Laws (his or mine) come to visit. When we're married people.

When I bought them, I got giddy.

New Year

I haven't been much in favor of resolutions the last couple of years. I think, for the most part, that it's not good to start a new year already feeling guilty and weighed down. But I LOVE thinking about goals for what lies ahead. In some ways, I already know this is going to be a good year. I'm going to photograph a bunch of weddings. I'm going to have a wedding of my own, something that still sometimes shocks me. After that, I'll be married to the coolest guy I know, and together we'll go see two countries I've wanted to see for as long as I can remember. 2006 is going to glow.

But I do have some ways in which I want to push myself. I want to learn to take better photographs, so that I impress myself more often. I want to finish the draft of my novel, which has taken a back seat to wedding planning and wedding shooting. I want to exercise more, not just so I'll have Bride Arms (although, I gotta have Bride Arms!) but also so I'll know I'm being as healthy as I can be going into this next part of my life. I want to cook more complicated recipes. I want to learn to bake a cake from scratch. And French, I want to learn some French. I want to find a way to make this blog meaningful to myself again, or drop it altogether. I want to write letters to my little sisters more often. I want to be a better friend and a better cat mom. I want to find the perfect umbrella for the wedding, in case it rains.

I'm so excited for each of these things that I feel lucky to even get to try them.

How will you push yourself this year?